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Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
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my head is spinning
it’s hard to breath
while treading water
drowning underneath
when looking forward
i was baited
my hopes were false
my dreams negated fighting what
I cannot see swimming towards
what used to be how can you
take this away from me? want to know
why I’m so sad?
realization that
I can't steal back what
I never had waiting list
to tread forever waiting for
my never-ever
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you die alone... time is running out
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me 11:26 PM:
are all men losers?
am i setting my expectations too high?
angelechangover 11:27 PM:
no, some of them actually win at being losers
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you die alone... time is running out
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you told me to go be crazy in this room
but before those words even left your mouth,
your tone said it all
i calmly tried to tell you how i felt
i [futilely] attempted to express my concerns
you interrupted me mid-sentence [4 words in] in that rude obnoxious tone
that spells out i---d-o---n-o-t---g-i-v-e---a---f-l-y-i-n-g---f-u-c-k
i know that tone all too well by now.
fine. i'll write about it to my livejournal so that i can remember what this feels like.
what it feels like to be driven away by someone who blatantly expresses disregard for my feelings
and an unwillingness to empathize
my skin feels tacky
my nose is slightly running
and there's still salty residue on my cheeks
you are so afraid of appearing vulnerable that all you know to do is push away
reality check: this does not demonstrate independence.
this just shows me how much of a cold, uncaring, disinterested stranger you can act like
when i'm reaching out
i almost wish you were still in georgia
far away;
where the memory i have
elicits way nicer feelings than you can live up to.
you think i'm being a bitch?
at least i'm trying to engage in dialog.
dialog: as in the kind of conversation where you don't loudly interrupt me every 30 seconds like some kind of child
it makes me sick to my stomach knowing that i live with a grown "man" who truly believes:
the side of the couch is where his soiled socks belong
i will enjoy coming home from a full-time job to wash a sink full of dishes
i will walk around and pick up all the loose change, crumpled receipts and misc other garbage that you will articulately hide in all corners and on all surfaces of "our" home.
i get it, you don't like laundry, you would rather dismiss the need for groceries... why would you waste your time sweeping floors? if you ignore these things long enough, they tend to have a way of working themselves out, right?
when i try to tell you how much it bothers me that i'm the only one willing to do housework, you roll your eyes
you are a spoiled brat
maybe you'd fit in better with the rest of those filthy deadbeats in williamsburg...
am i nitpicking? maybe i just don't want to live with a man-child.
are you that incapable of putting your stuff away?
once again, i feel like i am alone on this team.
and for the record, love should not be a zero-sum game.
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you die alone... time is running out
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Dear Trent,
It was an absolutely perfect summer night for a concert (you even said so yourself). First at dusk and then under the stars, the music flowed graciously and passionately through carefully calibrated and perfectly tuned equipment in Holmdel, NJ last weekend (6/6). While it may not have been the best concert I've been to (for the record, With Teeth was) but you know what? Trent, you can never disappoint me.
While this low-key tour might seem anti-climactic to some, those of us who look at it from your perspective realize you just wanted to bring everything full-circle. Everything right where it belongs.
It is quite apparent that you are SO over this whole touring thing anyway. Not for lack of trying, but I'm sure it's more exhausting than it's worth on some nights, and you deserve some time off for good behavior. After all, would people (specifically, a few whining super-fans) have preferred you to simply say goodbye via Twitter without one last chance to see you?
I'm sure you've contemplated it; Just going away; And I bet you wondered how we'd react... but [luckily] you decided to give us one final tour. And we thank you for it. :)
You have given us so much more than music. You gave us a genre. You didn't just perform concerts, you engaged hundreds of thousands of fans through technologies that record companies haven't even heard of. You whole-heartedly embraced the social networking experiment [with everything you had to offer] and you even gave us all your music, for free, to re-mix and listen to however we wanted. We thank you from the bottoms of our hearts. While we may never fully understand you, we will definitely appreciate what you have begun.
At first I was sad, but now I applaud your decision in taking back your life. I can see how the bitter tail-end of the distribution (the lowest common denominator) of fans continue to get [further] under your skin. These people are actually disappointed that they will never realize their own potential like you have; Moreover, due to their self-indulgent sense of entitlement, all they can do is lash out. Meanwhile, the true fans appreciate how much of yourself you've managed to give us over the past 20 years.
You have finally reached the point where you are worn-out, sick and tired of giving so relentlessly to the very same insatiable community you have worked diligently to create [insert reference to irony]. As you defined and touched an entire generation, sorry, if at times you feel as though we have molested you in return.
While, some idiots abhor you for being their false prophet, ranting on your forums and sending you cruel, disgusting hate mail. Trent, don't let them get to you. Eventually, they'll find someone else to go worship.
These types of people are just piss-poor at articulating [and directing] their anger properly. It's easier for them to fixate on you (way bigger than themselves) rather than fixing their own lives. They flame you for not living up to their god-like status; However, did you ever ask to be their golden calf? Did you purposefully try to be The Giving Tree? Regardless, their rejections must hurt you most of all, Trent.
It's a 9.80665 m/s2 fall from grace.
Like mucous-coated fresh newborns, screaming to go back into the womb, these fans might fail to understand the essence of what NIN has given them.
More than concerts, cds, interviews, t-shirts, other artists, dvds, imagery, photos and mp3s... NIN has taken on the momentum of a movement. As evidenced by your recent Webby award, Trent, you are just as relevant as ever, having created beautiful and inspiring music for 20 years. *pat on the back*
And fuck Apple and the music industry for not getting that there's more to music than selling songs. If the 2 guys with "illegal" servers in Iceland have a better distribution model to do what it takes thousands of greedy industry assholes, I hope they all go bankrupt.
Trent, over and over again your genius has been obstructed by bureaucracies and idiots, who will never fully understand it. Betrayed by those closest to you and underappreciated by self-proclaiming fans, nobody but you can possibly know how draining it all must be. The fact that you can channel all that noise into such creative, original and emotional music just further credits you as an artist [well beyond a musician]. It's only natural that your fans will always continue asking way too much from you.
I was 13 when I got my first Nine Inch Nails cd: The Downward Spiral. My parents refused to buy it for me, so I stole it from someone. I had to, you were the voice inside my head.
Just remember, we are all outsiders in your world. Ranting, praising, observing, craving, inundating, harassing, lusting, fighting, screaming, moshing, wanting SO BADLY to get in your head... Trent, it's only because we love you.
Thank you, for doing what you set out to do--you have truly created something way bigger than yourself.
Trent Reznor ftw!
<3 Polina
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you die alone... time is running out
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I won't let this slip away.
lost circle logic:
your lawyer and my skeptic
finding broken truth
follow the rainbow...
gentle kisses in the sun
no such thing as no
our love is boundaries s..l..o..w..l..y.. waxing and waning;
it knows no boundaries
prickly porcupine
explodes with lust! comes so hard.
he can't cuddle though...
bits of little sand
lost alone in a desert;
I'm glad I found you.
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you die alone... time is running out
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Monday, January 5th, 2009
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putting it all on the line again feels a lot like free-fall... in a good way?
some days thoughts of you send me into a spiral of self-doubt. is this it? am i settling again? am i ready for this again? please stop disappointing me. why can't you be as perfect as you first appeared (by the way i am smart enough to understand the unrealistic implications of this statement).
some days you occupy my mind to a point where i cannot concentrate on anything, and everything else is pointless. you make the rest of my daily routines seem like uninvited distractions. am i addicted to your smile, your warm embrace or the hours we can spend discussing nothing and everything? all i know is that i need you like i've never needed anything--and that thought scares a part of me.
i never know what type of day today or tomorrow will be, but a big part of me knows that we can make it; it's not going to be easy.
tell me this: why is it that every time one of us acts like a die-hard romantic, the other one is sure to snap them right out of their delusions? yes, we can help each other grow in a lot of ways, but that’s not the biggest thing we stand to gain here. we have the capacity to make up the rules as we go towards building something that most people will never even comprehend. sometimes i just need you to hold me and tell me that tomorrow will be a good day. because when you look at me with your lovable green eyes and say those words, i trust your judgment better than my own. and i hope i always will.
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you die alone... time is running out (2 comments in the meantime.)
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Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
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My normal hesitation is gone
And I really gravitate to your will
Are you here to fetch me out?
'Cause I've never had this taste in my mouth
Oh you're not old
And you're not familiar
Recently discovered and I'm learning about you
And you're consuming me violently
And your reverence shamelessly tempting me
Who sent this maniac?
'Cause I never had this taste in the past
Oh you're different, you're different from the former
Like a fresh battery, I'm energized by you
Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
Don't let it go away
This feeling has got to stay
And I can't believe I've had this chance now
Don't let it go away
Why am I so curious?
This territory is dangerous
I'll probably end up at the start
I'll be back in line with my broken heart
New, you're so new
You, you're new
And I never had this taste in the past
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you die alone... time is running out (1 comment in the meantime.)
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Monday, September 22nd, 2008
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i haven't done one of these since... high school? i'm bored at work, so here goes:
30 unknown facts/secrets about yourself.
1. What does your MySpace headline mean?
there are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those that don't.
2. Elaborate on your default photo:
i haven't logged in for a while... and it's blocked from work, so i dont recall what my default photo on myspace is. the one on here is from a trip to st lucia when i was younger.
3. What's your middle name?
don't have one.
4. What is your current relationship status?
enamored.
5. What EXACTLY are you wearing right now?:
monday business casual = blue top from H&M + max studio trousers + BCBG classic black pumps
6. What is your current problem?
i have another week to kill before joe gets back
7. What do you love most?
dancing/snowboarding until my legs are sore... then to keep going
8. What makes you most happy?
see above
9. Are you musically inclined?
i have my moments
10. If you could go back in time, and change something, what would it be?
i wouldn't have put 25% of my after-tax paycheck into my company stock plan at the height of the financial bubble... *sigh*
11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day what would you be?
i am an animal, everyday
12. Ever have a near death experience?
alcohol poisoning + acute hypothermia = life-long taste aversion to southern comfort
13. Name an obvious quality you have?
i like explaining things
14. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
we're in this together - nin
15. Who did you cut and paste this from?:
joe's lj (May. 6th, 2006)... i've been reading it in chronological order. i feel like i'm getting to know him better while he's gone. it's making me miss him even more.
16. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
google says: Wyclef Jean (w00t!!)
17. Have you ever vandalized someone's private property?
on purpose...? i'm not very destructive by nature, but i do remember egging someone's car with some friends when i was a lot younger.
18. Have you ever been in a fight?
hasn't everyone?
19. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
if you feed me booze, i will [attempt to] karaoke
20. What's the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex?
eyes, smile
21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
nothing... i don't partake on america's addiction to coffee
22. Do you have a crush on anybody from your Top 8?
i don't recall off the top of my head who's in my top 8
23. Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
i've had a few nights of being drunk in mexico, but not in the sense this question is probably alluding to.
24. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?
yeah
25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
pbs has some great children's programming
26. Did you have braces?
yeah, but then i refused to wear a retainer, so some of my teeth got crooked again
27. Are you comfortable with your height?
most of the time, especially when i'm in heals (read: no).
28. What is the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you?
ran me a bubble bath with rose petals in it
29.Do you speak any other languages?
russian - mostly
french - very very barely
hebrew - even less so
30. Whats your favorite smell
soap
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you die alone... time is running out
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Monday, September 8th, 2008
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“Community” by default seeks similarities. I normally dislike communities for this reason. Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying that communities should seek dissimilarities. I just find the activity of seeking similarities to be boring. I like communities whose reason for forming is not quite so obvious and contrived, especially since the driving force behind seeking similarities is usually a form of fear.
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you die alone... time is running out
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Friday, September 5th, 2008
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4 years and then some
too much shit to even list
where has the time gone?
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you die alone... time is running out
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so in essence, i finally found what i was looking for all along. in a little over 2 weeks, it will be the one year aniversary of my relationship with mike. i just finished looking over my past livejournal entries a few minutes ago. like will said, its strange to see the past few years of your life under review and realize how consistently cynical and pessimistic you've been. but i guess thats just part of being a teenager and growing up. and maybe i had a few good things to say over the years in between all the bitching and ranting i've done. looking over it all makes me realize even more now that mike was what i was looking for along. its especially cool that i get to have my cake and eat it too (*wink*).
college is going ok this semester. right now i should be studying for either of my two exams i have tomorrow, but livejournal always did act as a good tool of procrastination. lets see who still checks my livejournal. if you are reading this, i ask you to prove your existance to me and do the following (pretty pretty please?).
reply to this post and fill in the blanks:
i ____ polina.
polina is ____.
if i were alone in a room with polina, i would ____.
i think polina should ____.
polina needs ____.
polina will ____.
i want to ____ polina.
when i think about polina, i ____.
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you die alone... time is running out (5 comments in the meantime.)
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Sunday, November 9th, 2003
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computer science: when you go through a listing of courses in your desired major and you have trouble picking out four classes that you WANT to take as electives, it is time to re-valuate your major. when people in your class are making voodoo dolls of your proffessor, its time to consider a change in majors. when the only thing between full-cedit and a zero is one tiny mistake (welcome to no partial credit) it is time to change majors. if you care enough about my acedemic life to want to know about my new choice, IM me.
my car: let me draw a picture. its 1pm, im going down route 18 at 50mph(speed limit 55). as i go around a bend in the road--visability sucky due to a half-assed bridge type thing--i notice that less than 100ft in front of me is stand-still traffic due to construction. as i come to a screaching stop i get rear-ended by someone in a very similar situation to my own. her car hits my back bumper at 40mph (her account of the speed to the cop) and manages to wedge itself underneath my back left tire as she sends my car underneath the back of a tractor-trailer.
i stand with her and the driver of the tractor-trailer in the rain on the side of rt18 waiting for 45min until the new brunswick police show up. the cop on duty: resentful due to the fact that he had been called to the scene 5min prior to his lunch break. he wont let me go into my car to get my stuff because the car is suspended up in the air by the red car that hit me. i stand in a t-shirt in the cold rain waiting for the tow trucks.
the cop asks me what happend and the best i can come up with is "im not sure, it all happend really fast, i was trying to stop, i hit a truck, she hit me, it all happend really fast." (as im shivering). the tractor-trailer driver goes to his truck and brings me back a jacket. mike shows up and gives me a hug.
mike starts taking digital pictures of the accident and the bitter cop says "who the fuck is this guy, national enquirer?"
the cop gets me and the other girl into his backseat. both front seats are pushed all the way back and theres crap all over the back seat making it practically impossible for me and her to sit there. he starts questioning us again about what happend as he fills out the police report. i tell him that she hit me and sent my car into the truck. he tells me that hes going to write down that i hit the truck first. i argue with him and tell him that that's not what happend... the other girl says nothing. he tells me i dont seem sure enough of what happend and hes just going on what he thinks happend.
i call up the new brunswick police to tell them that i dont want the police report filed improperly because it means that my insurance will probably drop me. they tell me that i need to dispute it AFTER they finish filing it--3/4 business days.
   
when a friendship breaks: when you try to put it back together, you can only pick up so many pieces. the more times it breaks, the more pieces you lose. eventually what you're left with are a bunch of pieces that you couldnt put back together no matter how hard you tried.
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you die alone... time is running out
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since jake has been in london for the past 2 months emily has had a lot of time to kill. her and will seem to have no trouble getting together to comfort eachother between all the studying they both do. polina and mike have been fighting a little lately, but managed to overcome their problems only to be hit by something worse--a car accident. jay comes home from school to find that polina doesnt want to be friends with will ever again and proceeds to invite both of them to hang out. will emily ever have time to hang out with polina again? will mike get over trying to fix everything that may not need to be fixed? tune in this week to find out.
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you die alone... time is running out
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i havent posted in forever because i have no time for anything lately. i have a job working like 40hrs/wk writing code and stuff. i also have a boyfriend now. this one seems like a keeper, but i suppose we'll see. we've been dating since april 21st, and we have yet to spend a night apart. thats either really cute or really sad depending on how you look at it. we're the kind of couple that i used to get sick looking at. we do everything together from analyzing books, talking about linux, kissing in the rain, giving eachother massages... blah you get the point. i can honestly say that im happy. :)
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you die alone... time is running out (2 comments in the meantime.)
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Tuesday, April 22nd, 2003
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| Time: | 5:40 pm. |
| Mood: |  content. |
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as i pointed out in one of my previous posts, i have trouble seeing the forest for the trees. im beginning to work on that. i need to stop focusing on shit too much and just accept life as it comes. i will also try not to dwell on the bullshit more than the good shit because both are equally important in appreciating your life. today i am happy. the most important thing in life is having good friends that you know care about you. having people to talk to when things are fucked up makes things not as fucked up. emily, will, eric, anton, jeff, ryan, and jon thanks for dealing with my bitching in the past. weeeeeee a post when im not complaining. :)
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you die alone... time is running out
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Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
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Wednesday, March 26th, 2003
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things i do to waste time when i should be doing something else: working/studying/etc
1. update my livejournal
2. download music
3. take online quizes
4. post online quizes in my livejournal
5. do my hair
6. change clothes
7. read
8. update software on my computer
9. slashdot
10. eat
11. check my voicemail
12. shower
13. do makeup
14. start IMing people on aim
15. clean my room
16. update software some more
17. water my cactus
18. smoke a cigarette
19. make some kind of arbitrary list of little to no importance
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you die alone... time is running out
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| Time: | 11:49 am. |
| Mood: |  thirsty. |
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Angelec Hangover (11:44:47 AM): moods...
Angelec Hangover (11:44:57 AM): "loney" "pissed of" "frustrated"
Angelec Hangover (11:45:06 AM): "decomposing"
polina (11:45:35 AM): good
polina (11:45:43 AM): hes on the edge of self-destruction
Angelec Hangover (11:46:23 AM): ooh i did a grep for the word "sucks" in his LJ and it caused a buffer overflow
polina (11:46:34 AM): lol
polina (11:47:22 AM): i gotta post that
Angelec Hangover (11:47:32 AM): teehee
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you die alone... time is running out (2 comments in the meantime.)
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
totheendoftime's journal
sad.
disappointed.
amused.
loved.
horny.
lazy.